Coveney Spotted Wearing Leather Jacket In Bid To Appear Cooler, Younger Than Varadkar
STRIKING a seemingly confident pose in between uncontrollable bouts of sobbing, Fine Gael leadership candidate Simon Coveney spent this morning modelling before a mirror in a leather jacket, reportedly in an attempt to appeal to the wider electorate and secure endorsements from party colleagues.
Seeking to claw back some support in a bid to overhaul rival Leo Varadkar to become the leader of the ruling party, Coveney’s advisers suggested the Cork TD attempt to appeal to the young, social media using electorate in much the same way his opponent does.
“Leo is clued in, he knows it’s a waste of time going around to grassroots supporters when you can just share a Spotify playlist you made on Twitter and Facebook called ‘I’m gonna win this bitch’,” explained one of Coveney’s handlers as he helped the Minister for Housing into a leather jacket.
“Manifestly awful policies don’t matter as long as you appear to be young and cool, Leo’s proving that, so we’re trying that trick with Simon. And look it, worse case scenario is that Simon becomes a meme, which young voters love. It would be enough to get him some fawning media coverage,” added the handler.
Coveney, emerging in his leather jacket to speak to reporters about his long term plans for Fine Gael and the country, was asked if he was a fan of Ed Sheeran, Snapchat and Netflix, like his campaign rival. The Cork man proceeded to sweat profusely as he tried to talk about rural Ireland instead.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, get him an avocado wrap, some vinyl, an Ed Sheeran song to pretend to like, a fixie bike and an amusing meme that uses Kim Kardashian’s crying face immediately,” panicked Coveney’s handlers, keenly aware their uphill battle was becoming steeper by the second.