5 Things Ireland Can Do With All The Empty Factories When Companies Fuck Off Back To America


WITH President Trump continuing to threaten implications for American companies who have invested heavily overseas at the cost of jobs in the US, fears are growing about the huge amount of employment that may be at risk if firms such as Pfizer, Intel, Google or Xerox pull out of Ireland.

Although the loss of even one of these firms would be catastrophic for the local economy in towns such as Leixlip and Dundalk, there is still a bright side to be considered; Ireland would still have dozens of enormous empty factories that we could do whatever we wanted with! Such as…

1) Handball alleys

Handball is still very much the lesser member of the GAA family, ranking even lower than women’s GAA in importance to the organisation. But having huge empty plants to play in might turn all that around! If Xerox are tempted back to America by lower corporate tax rates, then the empty Dundalk facility could be used to house the entire 2018 All-Ireland handball tournament!

2) Shelter

When someone says Ireland, your first thought is ‘country that is too heavily reliant on foreign investment’. But your second thought is ‘rain’. It rains a lot in Ireland, so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have huge rain shelters dotted around Ireland that could house literally the entire population of the country if it starts lashing.

3) Scrap

Lads, think of the scrap value of a shed like the one Intel uses in Leixlip. That thing is massive, and built specifically to house the equipment and technology used by Intel… you’re not going to convert it into a milking parlour, but you sure as fuck can chop it up with an angle grinder and get it down to the scrapyard for some serious cash. We’ll be rich!

4) Combine them all into one big massive shed

Instead of having hundreds of empty factories housing nothing but owls, we could drag them all into the middle of the country and form one gargantuan shed that’s bigger than Athlone. And house owls.

5) Sell them to the Americans

Look, when Google fucks off back to America, it’s going to need somewhere to work from. They’re going to need an office, right? Well, they can build or buy one, or they could just bring their old one with them! We’ll even do them a deal! 25% of whatever they paid for it, how does that sound? Lads? Do we have a deal here?