“We’ve Only 8 Billion In The Bank” Vatican Defends Not Paying Abuse Compensation

ACCORDING to the cardinal responsible for the Holy See’s finances, Cardinal George Pell, the Vatican is unable to pay the remaining balance of €568 million as part of a redress scheme set up to help survivors of clerical sexual abuse, as it has only €8 billion in the bank.

“What do you expect Irish orders to do, pay the amount they are legally obliged to instead of just dodging it and leaving the taxpayer with the bill?”, asked out the cardinal, who admitted in 2014 to finding hundreds of millions of euros just “tucked away” in the accounts of various Holy See departments, “that would be an awful lot of effort on our part, besides, most of the victims have been paid… just not by us, and isn’t that all that matters?”

The Vatican’s latest comments come after a report by the Comptroller and Auditor General published by the Department of Education, which found that the Catholic religious congregations who ran residential institutions where children were abused have paid just 13% of the compensation they owe, despite revenues exceeding 300 million euros year-on-year.

“If we’re being honest, this isn’t a Catholic church problem, it’s an Irish problem,” explained Pell, who is himself embroiled in the unfolding Australian Catholic Church abuse scandal.

“Plus, our finances are very complicated,” Pell explained, referring to the Vatican Bank’s questionable past when they were caught money laundering for the Mafia and former Nazis, “we have our fingers in a lot of pies, managing €5.9bn of assets on behalf of 17,400 customers, and we have gold reserves worth over $20m with the US Federal Reserve, so it’s not as easy as signing a cheque. But we do have a few Michelangelo paintings if they want to go splitsies?”

Vatican City itself has a rich economy relative to its size; it only has a population of 800 people, meaning its nominal GDP per capita is $365,796 – making it the richest state on the planet by this measure.