Brangelina Divorce: What We Know So Far

WITH so much speculation out there on the unreliable internet, WWN got to work on ascertaining the real facts of the most shocking celebrity divorce of the 21st century.

Here’s what we know so far:

$140 trillion dollars has been wiped off the US stock markets, as consumer confidence has been rocked by news of the divorce.

Brad Pitt sneezed three weeks ago in public, just 6 blocks away from celeb hotel hotspot Chateau Marmont. In ancient Egypt, sneezing was a symbol of personal turmoil and infidelity.

Otters often swim in circles, appearing to hold hands in an act reminiscent of the intimacy displayed by humans.

Upset Angelina Jolie Pitt hired a private investigator to check if tabloids were paying journalists to pluck bullshit from their arses and pass it off as truth.

An alien race from just outside the Milky Way have had second thoughts about contacting us after hearing the news.

Betrayed Angelina Jolie was a cruel and cold bitch that everyone hated because of what she did, but then a source close to WWN explained Brad Pitt had an affair with a mythical Pegasus, so no one is allowed to think ill of doting mother and selfless humanitarian Angelina.

You have dedicated more time in the past 24 hours to reading details relating to an A-list Hollywood couple’s divorce than you will ever spend on things that matter.

AJ has been through so much and we have the made up quotes to prove it. “She was eating a salmon fishcake and it fell off the plate and onto the floor, she was devastated,” confirmed the ghost of Marlon Brando.

4.5 billion Jennifer Aniston memes have been created in the last 40 minutes alone.

Heartbroken Angie will dedicate her life to her children now, sacrificing any happiness she could possibly achieve outside of motherhood, as is the law.

Online publications have been overwhelmed with thoughtful opinion pieces on the divorce, which have no idea what they’re talking about.

Feminism.

Brave Ange will hopefully be pictured out in public with no make up on as soon as possible so tabloids can use the words ‘frail’, ‘pale’, ‘defiant’, ‘worryingly thin’, ‘gaunt’ and ‘broken’ before a follow up article condemns online trolls’ treatment of resilient A.

EDITOR’S NOTE: the original report erroneously suggested people were interested in Jolie’s extensive humanitarian work.