Assad Calls Ceasefire Until Full Facts Of Brangelina Divorce Are Known


THE far reaching implications of the Brangelina divorce are affecting the Syrian Civil War, with Bashar al-Assad calling for an immediate ceasefire until such a time the world has learned all the gory details.

While Syrian civilians are continually caught up in what increasingly appears to be a dick measuring contest between America and Russia, they will feel the sweet comfort of a ceasefire as the world comes to terms with Brad and Angelina’s demise.

“Who can war at a time like this,” Assad conceded, “the world needs to band together in their social media newsfeeds and take stock. Look to their loved ones and hold them dear and acknowledge that this is a cruel, unforgiving world which cares not for our love of celebrity power couples,” Assad added in a rare TV address, as he wiped tears from his eyes.

“Just like everyone else, I want answers”.

The Syrian leader went on to state that he felt carrying on his part in the devastating civil war would only prove a distraction to a public that should be allowed to learn of the reasons behind the divorce. In a rare example of cooperation, various rebel factions agreed to the ceasefire, admitting they would spend the time watching Mr & Mrs Smith on repeat.

However, the media assured Assad that they remained focused on the divorce of Jolie and Pitt, and would not let any other news get in the way.

“We’ve actually called for the cancellation of all other news today as a mark of respect, and we hope events, incidents, tragedies and occurrences all respect that request,” editor of E! Paula Louden explained to WWN.

In non-Brangelina news, 12 women will travel to England this month from Ireland in order to gain access to abortion services.