Ferguson Defuses Man Utd Suspect Device By Yelling At It

A BOMB threat at Old Trafford was neutralised yesterday, after police confirmed that former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson gave the device “an outrageous bollocking”.

Yesterday’s Premier League clash between Manchester United and Bournemouth was called off close to kick-off time following the discovery of what appeared to be a sophisticated explosive device.

Rather than call the bomb-squad, staff at Old Trafford asked Sir Alex if he wouldn’t mind employing his infamous “hairdryer” technique on the device, and the 74-year-old was more than willing to come down from his seat in the terrace and blow off some steam.

“Alex has watched Manchester united all season, and he’s just gotten madder and madder,” said one source at Old Trafford.

“The team that he brought so much success to, flailing around, boring people to death… it’s all been a bit much for him, without having anyone to yell at. So when the opportunity arose to scream at a bomb for a half an hour, he jumped at the chance”.

Staff at the famous stadium watched in awe as Ferguson stood nose-to-wire with the suspect device and called it “a fucking useless waste of potential” and “a disgrace to the Manchester United name”, before laying down the threat that if the bomb didn’t defuse itself, Ferguson would “stick it in the fucking reserves” for the next 20 matches.