Increasing Garda Resources A Priority All Of A Sudden, Confirm Government

THE coalition government has confirmed their priority is increasing Garda resources all of a sudden, confirming that such promises have nothing to do with the latest outbreak of violence connected to Irish crime gangs.

“We closed Garda stations, hunted down whistle blowers talking about failings within the force and now we’re hiring a few extra Gardaí any day now to make it look like, sorry, I mean to show we’re serious about crime,” confirmed a spokesperson for the government.

The reduction of the Dublin Metropolitan South Central Garda Division by 150 personnel in the last four years, along with a reduction of 30% in staffing levels in the country’s Garda Drugs Units have created worrying circumstances which mean more people who were likely to vote for Fine Gael might express concern.

“We call them ‘important people’, just to give the correct distinction. There are some lovely, lovely houses out there by the Regency Hotel, we’d hate to think some of those people would be so worried that they wouldn’t vote with us, so obviously increasing Garda resources is a must,” added the spokesperson.

Fine Gael’s spokesperson then added that it was hoped no one realised that 21 of the country’s 28 Garda drug divisions have seen a reduction in resources and manpower.

Tánaiste Joan Burton confirmed the government had always planned on hastily putting together a response to quell people’s concerns after years of pretending everything was fine, but it had “nothing to do with all these shootings and murders”.

The Taoiseach robustly criticised Sinn Féin in the wake of two killings linked to gangland crime as well as the murder of Kenneth O’Brien, and was quick to rattle off figures that backed his assertion that his government are fully behind increasing garda resources.

“15, 298, and then of course there’s 57,” the Taoiseach explained, highlighting several figures as if they contained some sort of meaning.