7 Mistakes Every Kid Makes On The First Day Of School


THE first day of primary school is vital in the formation of a child’s fragile psyche, but sadly all too common mistakes can have a devastating effect on their education.

Here, WWN highlight some basic mistakes almost every child makes in the hope that future generations can avoid such poor decision making:

1) Answering questions on the first day. It’s a trap kids, don’t do it. You’ve got to set the bar nice and low with the teaching staff. If one of those sly fuckers asks ‘can anyone here spell their name?’ don’t even think about fucking showing off. Before you know it, you’ll be the go to student for every question those busybodies have.

2) Assert your dominance. OK, we get it, it’s a tough and intimidating experience this first day lark, but you can’t waste a single second of your first day. Scan the room for an easy target, then come little break, make an example of them. We find picking out the tallest fucker going and laying them out flat with a single punch, let’s everyone know you are not to be trifled with. Positive knock on effects include getting the first choice of all the best crayons during colouring in time because everyone is so intimidated.

3) ‘Do you miss your Mammy?’ You. Don’t. Miss. Shit. Don’t fall for this one either, although obviously you miss her like crazy and you’re wondering why she’s dropped you in this prison, you still can’t show weakness. You’ll be eaten alive. It’s advised to make up a story about how that bitch was getting on your nerves anyway, and you were sick of watching cartoons too.

4) Your uniform. Don’t go with the crowd. You’ve got to stand out on the first day, assert your individuality before the education system beats it out of you. Discard that jumper, that annoying tie is now a hand band. The pocket on your shirt? Rip it off, free that nipple and refuse to be tamed. Your peers will respect you for your out there style.

5) Mark your territory. Some schools take part in the disgusting practice of rotating class seating arrangements regularly. Bullshit, you’ve got a decent view of the board from where you are and you’ll be damned if you’re giving it up any time soon. Urinating all over your desk is a sure fire way to retain the ideal seat and desk placement for yourself. Fellow pupils will recognise your distinctive musk and move on to another seat.

6) Can’t stress this enough, don’t be shy. Sure, everyone at school can suffer from a bout of timidness, but it’s dog eat dog out there and C’mon, you’re in a class of 36, you need to grab all the attention you can get. Before Miss O’Neill gets cracking into 2 + 2 and all that bullshit, rattle off a few jokes, become the class clown. We recommend nicking some Louis CK material, the more controversial stuff the better. Make Miss O’Neill laugh and you’ll get all the educational assistance you need, leaving the other 35 pupils to struggle in the corner in silence.

7) All too often kids just fall into line with their peers and don’t rock the boat. Come 6th class you’ll forget where you begin and the peer approved list of things that are ‘cool’ ends. You’ve got to take a stand, it may be controversial, but it will be worth it in the long run. Say it: you don’t like Frozen and you’re not all that bothered about the upcoming sequel either.