Aries March 21 – April 19
“Drunk and disorderly”, like, how is that even a fucking crime?
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Your love-life is still non-existent and your finances are in ruin, but at least you finally got that knot out of your headphones.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
It’s OK to say you didn’t like Frozen, for two reasons:
1) It’s only alright
2) You’re 35 goddamn years old.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
An afternoon of tapping your pen on your desk convinces you that you could make a damn good living as a bucket drummer.
Leo July 23 – August 22
You could spend this week pursuing your dreams, or you could just lie around playing Call Of Duty against American teenagers. It’s hardly a choice, really.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Maybe you shouldn’t roll your eyes so much when your boss is talking to you. Or your wife. Or the cops.
Libra September 23 – October 22
Did you fire six shots, or only five? Only one way to find out.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Take a chance today, and talk to someone on the train. Just strike up a conversation. With anyone. No, wait, not with that lad he’s mental abort abort abort
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
After 20 years of stewing over it, you finally come up with what would have been the perfect comeback to that kid who teased you about your schoolbag in third class.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Always say “Thank you” to your bus driver, unless you want to get a name for being “that lad who doesn’t say thank you to the bus driver”.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Despite several warnings, you once again get fooled by the rocks that Jennifer Lopez has.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
If it’s one thing people aren’t expecting in Tesco, it’s a sliding tackle.