4 Ways To Avoid A Seagull Attack

THE news is awash with terrifying instances of seagulls attacking humans. Just yesterday in Waterford, the grisly discovery of an elderly woman who was killed by a seagull who went on to claim her pension for several months brings into focus the need to protect ourselves.

WWN brings you 4 essential ways to avoid a seagull attack:

1) Cover yourself head to toe in seagull excrement. Sure, you’ll probably vomit from the smell and will likely be fired the second you walk into work, but Jesus Christ these seagull murders are on the rise and you can’t afford to mess about. If you have previously been attacked by a seagull you will need to change your name as seagulls are known to keep extensive records on their victims.

2) The average seagull beak can widen to fit over 8 adult humans in its gullet, which begs the question: would a seagull prefer 16 children for dinner? Of course it would. You’ll never be safer from a seagull than by carrying a child under your arm at all times as seagull bait.

You never know when they will strike, and if you think the indoors are safe, well then you’re a fool. You’ll need to keep that child by our side while indoors too. When, not if the seagull strikes forcefully throw the child into the seagull’s path and exit stage left.

3) Join your local militia. Seems an obvious one, but the country is littered with mentallers who armed to the teeth with all kinds of destructive weaponry.

A seagull is no match for a handgun, but for the most nervous among us, a simple hand grenade should provide all the warmth and comfort one needs when making a dash to the shops. Your militia will come to your aid if all else fails.

4) Don’t read the news. Recent research has shown that if you avoid the news, you are 100% less likely to be aware of seagulls and their murderous ways and therefore can be fully capable of avoiding being disemboweled by the winged maniacs.

Additionally, reading the complete works of Shakespeare at an average reading speed of 43 words per minute is believed to put seagulls off, however, the last person to try this – Tramore woman Eilis Farrelly – lost an arm.