Even Alan Shatter Is Surprised He’s Still Justice Minister



WWN can exclusively reveal that Minister for Justice Alan Shatter is at a loss to explain how exactly it is he has managed to remain in his current role.

Following the publication of the Garda Inspectorate’s report on the penalty points scandal the vast majority of the Irish public presumed the Minister, along with Garda Commissioner Martin Callinan, would be fired immediately so scathing was the report’s contents.

“What the fuck do I have to do to get fired?” the Minister is believed to have said to a Fine Gael aide, revealing for the first time that he has long harboured ambitions of being fired.

Shatter is believed to want to return to the area of erotic fiction, but knew Enda Kenny would never accept his resignation.

“I’ve figuratively served myself up on a plate to Enda, just fire me already” the Minister confided to our source.

“I wasn’t really enjoying the work and thought time on the backbenches would be slightly easier, I’d have time to write more of my beautifully erotic fiction. So I pretended to be egotistical, incompetent and dishonest. What more do I have to do? Assault John Wilson or Maurice McCabe… actually, do you think that could work?” he asked our source.

Whistle Blower Gardaí John Wilson and Maurice McCabe have been left vindicated following the inspectorate’s report, but the Taoiseach seems to have little appetite for taking action.

“Funnily enough, I saw the way John and Maurice were isolated and intimidated by the fellow Gardaí and I thought if I began using those bully boy tactics Enda would take action, but alas I overestimated him,” concluded the still Minister for Justice Shatter.