Pub Sees .00034% Drop In Business As Lent Begins



The struggling pub trade has been served yet another blow following news that with the commencement of Lent the Up In Arms Inn has suffered a .00034% drop in business.

WWN spoke with owner and proprietor of the Up In Arms Inn Colm O’Sullivan about this latest worrying news.

“Ah, look it, I knew it was coming. I’m years in the game and Lent has always been a right bastard to deal with,” shared O’Sullivan, a veteran of the pub trade.

Lent is of course synonymous with those of the Catholic faith, giving up vices such as chocolate, smoking, ignoring homeless people as they try to talk to you, bad language and more often than not the demon drink.

“It wreaks havoc on my livelihood Lent does, people always trying to be on their best behaviour. A couple of years ago we tried to get a priest in to do Ash Wednesday in the pub like but their strong willed fuckers that .00034%, they steered well clear” opined O’Sullivan.

A hastily put together headcount taken this morning was seen by WWN and we can confirm that there has been close to a .0004% drop in custom compared with the same day last week.

The pub owner went on to stress that the drop in trade isn’t just about a pub seeking to make a profit, insisting that it has a knock on effect for the entire local community.

“The reality is I’ve had to shave 10 minutes off every bar staff’s shifts for the week. That is the shocking reality behind Lent – I lose money, the staff loses money – 85 cents to be precise. Doesn’t seem like such good craic now does it?” offered O’Sullivan holding back the tears.

While O’Sullivan struggles to save his crumbling business other people have urged the Pope to solidify a practice long known as ‘cheat days’.

“We all enjoy a cheat day and if the Pope can remove the shame associated with it by making those cheat days official and less like a mortal sin – businesses like Colm’s can prosper,” religious expert Noel Gregory told WWN, “If cheats days were expanded to say 40 days, I think that would be ideal for all practitioners of Lent,” he concluded.