Every Fucking Thing May Pose Cancer Risk, Finds Study

EVERY fucking thing may pose a high risk of cancer, according to a controversial new study published that contradicts previous research that says the opposite of the first study, the study claimed today.

Oxford University found that everything you eat, drink, smell and touch can put you at a much higher risk of getting the disease than people who don’t actually live at all.

The university’s Institute of Health and Well-being, said the previous studies were basically all shit and were only focusing on only one subject matter at a time.

Dr. Maurice Furlong, who led the research, said: “Cancer research could take fucking thousands of fucking years if we were to continue just testing one thing at a fucking time.”

“We decided to test every fucking thing that may pose a possible risk of cancer and we were not all that astonished to find the results were conclusive.”

The study team found 68.4 per cent of those who had ate, drank, smelt and touched stuff, like all the time, contracted at least one form of cancer compared to 0.003 per cent of those who didn’t do any of these things at all.

Dr. Furlong confirmed that everything from picking your nose with your pinky finger to reading results from a cancer study in a newspaper can contribute to the disease.

“I’m just glad we can all move the fuck on and stop worrying about fucking thing equally.” he added.

It is estimated the new find will save cancer research billions in cancer research over the next ten years.