Stalker Looks Forward To The Extra Foliage This Spring


Self-confessed stalker and all round nice guy Gary Horan spoke exclusively to WWN about his plans for the coming months. Horan, a 29-year-old unemployed man, is set to return to his passion in life this coming spring season.

“You know the way you just know you’re meant to do something in life, stalking, is it for me,” whispered Horan from the darkened corner of a public car park.

The experienced and life long stalker has suffered greatly in the last 5 months with the onset of autumn and winter, which sees all manner of trees and bushes lose their leaves thus leaving Horan’s treasured hiding places exposed.

“Winter is always a tough time for me, you just can’t get the coverage you need. I’ll be in a bush, you know, staring. Creeping if you will, and a girl will just stop, stare and say ‘you know I can you see, right?’ It’s at that point the pants go back on and I leg it,” shared a frustrated Horan.

The spring season is famed for its uptake in the hobby of stalking with many men and yes, even women availing of the superior coverage and the newly decorated trees and bushes.

“Spring is the ideal stalking season, I’ve an ex-girlfriend who could pick me out from a mile away and ring the police in seconds flat, but if I wear the right shade of green and I’m behind a good Oak or a Juniper she hasn’t got a clue,” Horan said rubbing his hand together gleefully.

Horan was quick to dismiss some of the stigmas surrounding stalking. “People have this impression that we just stand across the street staring at women. That’s incredibly unfair. I put hours and hours into planning the who, where, when and why of it. I don’t just pick any old bush to dwell in, it has to match my clothes perfectly and vice versa.”