New Waterboarding Technique Does Not Work On Dead People, Claim US Troops

THE US government have confirmed today that a new waterboarding technique initiated by troops in Afghanistan has failed in its goal to extract vital information from dead Taliban fighters.

Military officials reported the practice of ‘Urine-boarding’ has now been canned in favour of  reliable and more traditional methods like lancing and stake burning.

The unorthodox form of interrogation was first performed in Iraq in May 2011 by a US marine who ran out water. The innovative Kentucky man was given an order to extract information, by what ever means necessary, from a dead Iraqi insurgent.

Regardless of his failure, urine-boarding became the ‘new rape’  and caught on among desperate young troops looking to make a name for themselves and gain rank by scoring intel.

Controversy arose yesterday when a video emerged of the new procedure on video sharing website ‘Live Leak’.

However, it was successfully played down this morning by head of operations, Sergent Major Michael Price: “The experimental Urine-boarding technique failed to deliver on all fronts.”

“As a nation, we need to do everything in our power to extract intelligence from our oppressors.”

“If that means peeing on the faces of dead freedom fighters, then so be it.”

Sgt Major Price then emphasised the importance of interrogation in the field.

“Countless lives have been saved by the actions of these good men and women willing to do anything to defend our great nation, even if it means dehydrating themselves.”

At a white house press conference this morning, US President Barak Obama praised the courage of the troops in Afghanistan and LATER tweeted: ‘Urine-boarding! PMSL. Could hardly keep a straight face on the podium LOLZ’