The Latest Brexit Developments Explained

A LATE NIGHT press conference, a second UK parliament vote on May’s Brexit Deal and the UK Attorney General tweeting the word “bollocks” marks yet another mundane and stultifyingly boring day in Brexitland.

Here’s everything you need to know, what exactly it all means and why you’ll regret ever reading up on the clusterfuckery:

The majority of the general public finally went insane after the 14,569th mention of ‘the backstop’, some took knitting needles to their ears and screamed “make it stop” while other gibbering wrecks began the sort of manic laughter that could go on for days and days without interruption.

Theresa May claimed a rare victory after securing what she called a ‘legally binding’ guarantee from the EU on ‘the backstop’, and that her new deal is utterly unrecognisable next to the completely identical deal proposed weeks ago.

However, the handy Brexit Bullshit Translator App was able to convert May’s claims into plain English: ‘nothing has changed, someone put me out of my misery. I don’t want to be here anymore aaaaaaaaah’.

So now that nothing has changed whatsoever there is every chance that the second vote on May’s unchanged Brexit deal, which was rejected weeks ago, could pass with flying colours. But this depends on the DUP and the Jacob Rees Mogg led ERG:

The DUP are reportedly still studying the statement from May and Jean Claude Juncker on the backstop, and given that DUP believe dinosaurs and man roamed the Earth at the same time no one is holding out for a reasonable response.

Elsewhere Mogg and his of crew multi-millionaire, privately-educated ‘ordinary men of the honest working class people’ will likely vote against May’s deal because they have spouted so much made up drivel masked by nonsense terminology at this point that they are afraid to admit that they’re not even sure what anything means anymore.

However, in a rare positive development several patriotic man in their 50s dressed head to toe in a Union Jack flags were interviewed on TV outside Westminster, striking fear into the EU elites which will no doubt force the EU to give in whatever demands they have.

In a last ditch attempt to give Leave voters the Britain they mistakenly think they want the British government has announced its intentions to build an EmpireLand amusement park where people can stay permanently, living out their lives in a time when ‘Britain woz proper good at Empiring and that’.

People weighed down by the endless Brexit headache have been advised to visit their nearest maternity hospital and stare into a newborn baby’s eyes and weep with jealousy, for they have yet to learn of the infuriating cockamamie cock ups of the British political elite.