OKAY, so 2018 didn’t go to plan.
You’ve received the email from Tinder issuing a formal apology and the sad news that you’ve actually completed the app and there are no more people out there for you to swipe on, but don’t be disheartened.
Sure, Bumble, Happn, Match, PlentyofFish refused to allow you to use their service after they got a peak of your Tinder data, but we’ve all been there. Well, not literally of course, everyone who is not you is happily coupled up. Sure you can’t move for bumping into fully functional adults who managed to find someone to enter into a relationship with. The pricks.
Let’s not get bogged down in negatively though, eh? 2019 could be the year you find the one.
In attempt to ensure you don’t waste 2019 going on disastrous date after disastrous date, caught in cagey Whatsapp conversations for days that ultimately go nowhere and one night stands that are grand but a lifetime night stand is more your bag, WWN has put the full might of its investigative reporting unit into finding out if this year is a complete write off or is it the year you find the one ‘one’ and not the ‘they were the one but now they’re not one because he’s a piece of shit’ one.
Naturally in order to undertake this task some basic steps had to be taken first such as stealing your phone and undergoing extensive surgery to look exactly like you, hiring a dialect coach so we sounded like you and earning the same degree as you so we could pose as you in work too. Then it was full throttle on the datings apps.
You were fed up and so done with the dating apps by the end of last year. But with WWN posing as you, the opposite is true, we overdosed on a steady diet of swiping for a few days and found Dave. He’s into the same stuff you lied about being into on your Tinder profile, ya know ‘being active’, ‘loving the outdoors’, ‘social issues’ and ‘movie buff’.
Jesus, he’s better looking in person, honestly. You’ll shit yourself when we end our investigation and let you take our place. Drinks and chat were flowing, he seems intelligent, and reassuringly not a giant arsehole like everyone else you’ve ever dated before. The signs out good. Tall, dark and handsome and…a baby doctor! Not a super intelligent genius child who trained to be a doctor, no he’s an adult man doctor, a pediatrician!
Well…what can we say, the man is a thoroughbred stud sent down from the planet Multiple Orgasms. We even did your ‘oh my God, I don’t usually do this on a first date’ bullshit speech. You’re in for a treat, his penis is a pleasure palace. But it wasn’t just the sex, it was the way he looks us in the eye, how he held us after we climaxed. How he knew just what to say, and you know what they say ‘you know when you know’…
This is it. You did it. Well, we did it by posing as you but Dave is the one, your partner, your champion, the father of your children. Fuck it. We’re not giving him back. He’s too good and we haven’t felt this way in years. You don’t meet someone like this every day, fuck, you never meet anyone like this ever. So kind, so compassionate, so giving. We’re getting butterflies just thinking about him. We’ve even talked about traveling through India for months with Dave, just like you always wanted.
When he’s not here with us, we can’t stop thinking about him. Shit. He just texted! Just a single heart emoji! In the middle of a work day. This fucking guy is the one. We can’t, no we WON’T give him back. And anyway, you lied on your Tinder bio, what sort of a person does that? You don’t deserve Dave.
We do. It’s like life only really started the second we met him. You wouldn’t understand, you will when you’ve met the one though.