IN perhaps the starkest warning to the human race about the ravaging effects of climate change on our world, early-nineties rapper Vanilla Ice is now 80% smaller than he was at the height of his popularity, based on new aerial images of the popstar.
Coming in at 1.8m tall during his Ice Ice Baby heyday, Vanilla Ice was measured at an estimated 14″ tall after decades of man-made damage to the earth’s natural defence against the harmful rays of the sun, which has resulted in irreversible changes to our climate and the devastation of all ice-based stuff in the would.
Real name Vernertla Von Icetenstein, the singer-turned-man is in genuine danger of disappearing altogether, with the world’s politicians either ignorant of the impending disaster or simply opting to do nothing about it.
“We are putting the government under pressure to do something about climate change, or one day our children won’t even have a Vanilla Ice, we’ll just have to tell them stories about it,” said a climate change awareness group.
“The shrinking of Vanilla Ice has been ignored for too long. Okay at first when he showed up 6″ shorter, we all just thought he’d gotten rid of that stupid fucking stand-up hair. But then no, he’s a foot shorter one year. He’s half his height the next. He doesn’t even fit his Polar Vanilla Ice cap. This is unprecedented human shrinkage, causing untold damage to the wildlife that depend on him for survival”.
Alarmingly, the group have also warned that after Vanilla Ice, Ice T might be next, followed by Ice Cube.
“You can say you don’t care about Vanilla, but this is going to keep happening, until it happens to an ice-based popstar you do care about”, they sobbed.