A CLOSE study of the VIP sections of nightclubs across Ireland have revealed that they are almost always full of the kind of people who enjoy being in the VIP section of a nightclub, creating a ‘vortex of pricks’ which should be avoided at all costs.
Research into the phenomenon has shown that cordoning off an area inside a nightclub creates an uncontrollable desire among the vainest, most easily duped patrons of that club, resulting in a clamour to be one of the ‘very important people’ who get a little section all to themselves.
While the majority of people who go out for the night are perfectly happy to hang out with their pals and have a good time regardless of where they’re standing, the more prickish customers will all migrate to the VIP area, creating a ‘perfect storm of dickheads’, commonly known as ‘a shower of wankers’.
“If your first instinct when you see a VIP area is to want to get into that VIP area, then you’re just the kind of person that would be right at home in a VIP area” said Dr. Halman O’Keane, one of the foremost prick experts in Ireland.
“Although most VIP sections in Ireland share the same wet-carpetted, greasy-smelling area as the rest of the nightclub, there’s something about the inclusion of a red rope that just makes dickheads think they’re in some magical land of wonder and beauty. And to be honest, it’s just a relief to get them out of the rest of the club so everyone else can have a good time”.
Dr. Halman went on to confirm that the smugness of a nightclub selfie counts double when it’s taken in a VIP area.