“How Many Suicides Will It Take?” Government Asked Out Of Curiosity


THE IRISH public has politely asked the government, out of a general curiosity, how bad suicide rates in Ireland have to be in order for the problem to be treated as something other than accepted, ignored and marginalised.

The latest news in your locality about someone taking their own life, coupled with the news that 7,000 children were on a waiting list to see a psychologist, as well as the fact that people working in mental health services frequently speak out about how far behind Ireland is in providing what should be basic services, got the public curious enough to ask the government to put an actual number on exactly how many suicides it will take to jolt them into action.

Apologising to anyone who was under the impression that great strides were made around the understanding of mental health, the government admitted that’s just not how a civil society works, you silly billys.

“Honestly, we don’t where the misunderstanding started with this one, but we can only apologise. No matter the conversations you’ve had with family and friends on the subject, or the moving testimonies you’ve heard on TV and radio, they don’t actually make a dent in our conscience or compel us to actually invest in services that are desperately needed. You’ve obviously got us confused with a different government or something,” explained a government spokesperson for the Dept. of Passing The Buck.

The spokesperson went on to say that he too has been moved by the efforts and work done by those touched by suicide, but that such efforts should not see the government mistakenly praised.

“We have a Road Safety Authority, but no equivalent authority relating to suicide which claims more lives. Chronically long waiting lists, and an insultingly low level of investment in essential services which suggests a contempt for vulnerable people. We even commission reports to tell you it’s actually not a problem at all, really. So, we just want to make sure you aren’t wrongfully thanking us for the good work of volunteers and poorly resourced and overworked HSE staff,” the spokesperson concluded after admitting they have no specific number in mind for an ‘X is too many deaths’ scenario.

If you would like to tell the government to keep up the good work, you can do so HERE.

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