May To Install Direct Rule On Northern Ireland Once She Figures Out What That Means

BRITISH PRIME MINISTER Theresa May is set to confirm that after Stormont talks ended in failure, Northern Ireland will be placed under direct rule once May and her cabinet of ministers can figure out what that means.

Drafting in the leading Conservative Party experts on Britain, the British government, British history, Northern Ireland and the Good Friday Agreement, May has made stunning progress in ascertaining information relating to what it is exactly she’s supposed to be doing.

“Okay guys, I know it’s been a long night and morning, but let’s take it from the top,” one Northern Ireland expert said as he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and pointed to a map with a stick.

“Northern Ireland is part of Britain,” the expert said for what could have been the 478th time in the past 12 hours only to be greeted by blank stares from Britain’s government.

“Fuck sake Boris, put down that sign,” added the frustrated expert as Boris Johnson continuously raised a handmade ‘Brexit is the greatest’ sign during the briefing.

It is possible May could be close to understanding what Northern Ireland is and what direct rule from Westminster entails sometime within the year, following on from threatening to install direct rule for the last 12 months.

As a result of the monumental progress achieved by May, the people of Northern Ireland have confirmed abandoning all positive thoughts related to essential services and long term policies in the region, stating “if anyone needs us, we’ll be in the fucking pub”.

Elsewhere, DUP leader Arlene Foster has insisted ‘oops, didn’t mean to’ after repeatedly hurtling a bulldozer at speed over Stormont talks early yesterday evening.