WWN Tech: Choosing A Smartphone To Smuggle Into Prison Up Your Arse

PROMINENT local crime figure? Heading into the custody of the state for a few years? You’re probably wondering what your smartphone options are, so that you can continue to run your drug empire from behind bars under the noses of the cops.

Many things must be factored into this decision: battery life, so that you don’t have to have your phone charging where it can be seen. 4G coverage, so you can stay in touch with your contacts on the outside, and most importantly, dimensions, so you know whether or not you can jam it up your arse and smuggle it into stir in the first place.

1) iPhone 7 Plus

It may have been the must-have smartphone on the outside, but the miraculously bright screen of the gorgeous iPhone 7 plus is a big no-no in sing-sing. The cops are bound to see you walking around with that massive screen in your hand or in the pocket of your trousers, plus the doctor who has to repair your torn anus is bound to cop on too.

2) Samsung Galaxy S5 Mini

With its sleeker, niftier exterior and impressive battery life and range of features, this little baby should be the go-to phone for criminals looking to bring all the comforts of home with them when they get locked up. We say ‘should be’, because most crime lords are willing to opt for the sphincter-slicing size of an iPhone quicker than risk a Samsung combusting in their butt during a cell search.

3) Nokia 3310

Now you’re talking! The relaunch of the Nokia 3310 wasn’t just welcomed by criminals who were nostalgic about the good old days, it’s also a godsend for those about to go inside for a stretch. Nokia 3310, into a condom, up the arse… making you the most fashionable, connected scumbag in the joint!