Irish Religious Orders Reveal They’re Not Done Being A Shower Of Heartless Bastards


THE EIGHTEEN RELIGIOUS orders embroiled in the sexual and physical abuse of children by priests and nuns have confirmed today that they have no intention of ending their long streak of being unfathomably heartless towards victims of abuse.

As debate surrounding the €1.5 billion redress scheme set up by government in the wake of the abuse scandals, and the church’s failure to fulfill their financial obligations to victims rages on, many religious orders have confirmed that now is as good a time as any to restate to the public that they are a shower of bastards.

“Yeah, you probably thought after that Tuam business we’d keep our heads down, didn’t you? Nope, next stop for this train is shitting on abuse victims, that’s just how we roll,” the religious orders explained before stating church attendances this Sunday would probably be unaffected by this latest disgusting episode of the church’s arrogance.

Responding to a statement made by Richard Burton to the Seanad several weeks ago, the religious orders have implied that the government made it far too easy for victims of abuse to access compensation and that they had no choice but to be complete bastards about everything.

“Eh, you’re asking the people and orders that stood by and said nothing as children were beaten and raped to contribute to a fund set up to help these children now they’ve grown into adults and continue to struggle with the horrors of abuse. Ah lads, do you not know us by now, yiz can all fuck off with that talk,” a spokesperson for one of the religious orders confirmed.

“Asking us to pay victims is morally wrong, God, Jesus, Mary, and the other less well known heroes from the popular Religious Universe franchise would be very mad at you for asking us to pay anything to abuse victims, you should be ashamed of yourselves,” another spokesperson for a religious order explained, with a straight face and a dead behind the eyes look.

Such outpouring of an uncanny capacity for arrogance and sociopathic aggression has recently led God to beef up security on the gates of heaven after he formally banned the orders from gaining entry to the afterlife.

In a separate incident a gardaí-led search for any evidence of a conscience on the premises belonging to the eighteen religious orders came up empty.