Spice Of Life: We Interview & Intensely Lick The Hole Off Sean Spicer
WWN has secured a historic Irish exclusive by managing to pin down President Donald Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer, giving us the opportunity to ask him some hard hitting questions.
Did we actually ask him those hard hitting questions? God, no, do you know how hard it is to secure these interviews? This is a real fucking scoop for us, you think WWN is going to put this at risk by calling a spade a spineless liar who evidently has absolutely no shame? Of course not, we don’t want to be kicked out of future press briefings.
Instead, we will fill the bits in between the soft questions we lobbed in his direction about the Quiet Man and Guinness and has he ever heard of Ireland, with a sober appraisal of the madness at the centre of the court of King Trump. Questions will be asked, holes will be licked.
WWN: Sean, Mr. Spicer, sir. Welcome. We’re welcome we mean, thank you. First question off the bat, pulling no punches, you’re very handsome.
Sean Spicer (SS): Yes, I am, you are correct.
WWN: Second question, and apologies if this seems a little aggressive, but do you love Ireland?
Sean Spicer: Ireland is a beautiful country full of great people and obviously I have Irish heritage, just look at my willingness to take a job for the money and say fuck all and stand up for nothing, so I am very proud.
WWN: Would you say Ireland is the bestest, your most favouritest country? Speaking as a handsome and intelligent man?
SS: It’s certainly up there.
WWN: Although you are just the White House press secretary and have absolutely no say in policy, can you tell us that President Trump won’t seek to destroy us and our favourable tax arrangements we currently enjoy with US companies?
SS: Eh, yeah, sure, I guess.
WWN: Brilliant! We’ve never seen such an aggressive attack on the media by a president ever, so our next question is; a pint of the black stuff?
SS: Actually, I drink Smithwicks.
WWN: Oh my God, shut the fuck up, you do not! You’re super Irish! The Quiet Man?
SS: Is a movie I have not seen, but I am aware of it, and I believe Cary Grant stars in it.
WWN: Eh, it’s actually… no, wait, you’re dead right. You’re so collected, so together. In what must be the toughest, hardest job anyone has done, you carry it all with such grace. We could try and pin you down on the repeated lies you brazenly tell each day, but, I’d say you’re looking forward to Enda Kenny visiting, are you?
SS: Yes, Patty’s Day will be fun I hope.
WWN: Class, we all call it Patty’s Day back home too. And you know the Muslim ban and the way, disputing the merit of it aside, the implementation of it has been an unequivocal disaster? Well, to expand on that a little further, tell us about your Irish heritage?
SS: My great grandfather is from Kinsale.
WWN: Oh sure we all know that, did you know all Ireland can talk about is how brilliant the Spicer’s of Kinsale are. We love you Sean Spicer. Thanks for acknowledging Ireland exists. Now, while we have you here, is it a gentle lapping of the tongue against your hole you prefer, or will we just go to town on it and lick like we’re born to do it?
SS: Please leave you’re making me uncomfortable… gentle lapping, thank you.