WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
You use the weather as your opportunity to smash your boy-racer neighbour’s windscreen in, then be all like ‘oooh, did the storm getcha?’.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
You use the weather as your opportunity to make some unneccesary journeys.
gemini
May 21 – June 20
You use the weather as your opportunity to stand in front of a girl, asking her to love you, like a big wet sap.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
You use the weather as your opportunity to wash yourself for the first time in months.
leo
July 23 – August 22
You use the weather as your opportunity to bang on about water charges, not that you needed much of an excuse.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
You use the weather as your opportunity to show how climate change is a myth. Global warming? It’s fuckin’ Baltic, pal.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You use the weather as your opportunity to have a pretty epic fight to the death with your nemesis, Brian.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You use the weather as your opportunity to continue your research into the effects of rain on trees. ‘Makes them wet’ is all you have so far.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You use the weather as your opportunity to go on the lash. Well, stay on the lash.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You use the weather as your opportunity to justify the fact that you haven’t mended the fence since the last time it blew down in a storm.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You use the weather as your opportunity to knuckle down and get some study done, with a nice big warm cup of hahaha yeah right, get the PlayStation on there.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You use the weather as your opportunity to drench cyclists as you drive through big puddles in your car. It’s… very satisfying.