Lovin’ Waterford: Check Out This Handy Recipe For Making Cocaine

WHO doesn’t love cocaine? NOBODY. But sometimes you’re just UGH, too lazy to go get some. Well, fuck that noise; here’s a dead handy recipe if you want to make your own.

1) Get yourself some white powder, anything at all will do. Flour, washing powder, talc, anything at all. Baby milk formula is great. If you feel like mixing three or four of these things together, knock yourself out.

2) MIX, BITCH. Put your Cow n Gate and your crushed up dishwasher tablets all together in a mixer and mix dat thing up! Make sure it’s all fully blended before you move on to step 3.

3) FUCK YOU. There is no step 3. That’s how easy this is. It skips straight to step 4.

4) Crush up some solpadeine and paracetamol, any over-the-counter tablets at all, and mix em in. Ideal for that medicine-ey taste. YUMZ.

5) You should have a fairly large amount of mixed powders right now, roughly enough to fill one of those old brown bowls that your mother used to use to mix bread in back when you were a child and were full of wonder and you would sit and watch her make bread and buns and ask to lick the spoon when she was finished and she would let you and would would hug her and she would tell you how much she loved you and that she was sorry that Daddy wasn’t around anymore but he had to go away on business and maybe he would come back someday.

6) Add cocaine. Like, a tiny amount.

And there you go! Loads of lovely cocaine, just as good as the cocaine you buy from the guy up the road who you refer to as “your guy” when you’re talking to your pals. “It’s ok, I’ve got a guy”, you say, all cool. You’re so cool. You’re just so fucking cool.