Alan Kelly Still Celebrating On Shoulders Of Campaign Staff


CAMPAIGN staff for Alan Kelly are to continue parading him around ‘in shifts’, after two people were already admitted to Clonmel hospital for back and shoulder pain following a five day celebration.

Speaking at a school sports hall in Tipperary, campaign manager Tony Hunt said he was delighted for Alan Kelly in maintaining his seat, but is looking forward to a break when the Labour Party politician finally stops celebrating.

“We’ve been here the last 126 hours now and there is still no signs of him stopping,” a rather tired looking Mr. Hunt said. “The school here has been very kind to us, but they are insisting we leave fairly soon as they’ve had to cancel all their PE classes this week due to Alan’s celebrations.”

Still screaming at the top of his lungs and beating his chest, Alan Kelly shooed this reporter out of his way, whilst slapping those carrying him on the back to throw him even higher into the air.

“Do you see that, haters?” he began shouting at our photographer, squeezing his left nipple with his right hand. “Argh… never doubt the power of the Kelly! Kelly is king”.

Dropping in some lunch, Mr. Kelly’s wife, Regina O’Connor, said she was delighted for her husband, but looked forward to the day when he finally settles down after his win.

“House of Cards will be back soon with a new season, thank God,” she said. “It’s the only thing that helps calm him down. That and drowning kittens”.