Electric Picnic Line-Up Unfortunately Includes Your Cousin’s Shitty Band


YESTERDAY’S announcement of the 2016 Electric Picnic line-up was met with jubilation by music lovers across the country, with the exception of some people who have been informed that their cousin is scheduled to perform with his God-awful band and they are duty-bound to attend their 30 minute performance even if it clashes with another act that they really want to see.

At least one of LCD Soundsystem, New Order, The Chemical Brother or Lana Del Rey will have to be missed as small groups of festival-goers are forced to instead make their way to the far end of the grounds to see their mate or their cousin or some lad they know from work play their terrible music in the “New Arrivals” tent, which seats around 19 people at full capacity.

Skipping out on these performances is not an option, as doing so may cause serious repercussions when you get home and your mam asks you how did your cousin/neighbour/lad you used to go to school with get on “at his concert” and you are forced to admit that instead of sitting through their terrible cover version of Sweet Child O’ Mine you were over at the main stage E’d off your face rocking out to Haim or whoever.

To date, 98% of people who have expressed a desire to attend Electric Picnic have been contacted by someone telling them to “be sure to come see our band” over the weekend. Our thoughts and prayers go with these poor souls.