As temperatures soar across the country, a Longford man, who has spent the majority of the day downing pints in the beer garden of his local pub, is at a loss as to why he’s still so thirsty.
23-year-old student Phillip McGuinness, currently wearing just shorts, had hoped a few cold ones would quench his “almighty thirst” after starting his day with a hangover-curing fry brought about by a heavy session at a barbeque the night before. Wasting no time with sunscreen, the Granard native made his way to popular public house, The Horse Box, where he began to throw down large quantities of alcohol.
“The first pint was a great one” said McGuinness, eating a pack of Bacon Fries while shedding rivers of lashing sweat. “It really cut the thirst off me. But as I kept drinking more, I’m actually getting more thirsty than I was in the first place? It makes no fucking sense. I think there must be something wrong with the line, so I might switch to bottles”.
McGuinness, now battling a thumping headache and blurred vision as well as excessive urination, was joined later in the day by several of his friends who also began suffering from extreme thirst while drinking in the 28 degree heat and mocking each others peeling sunburn.
Dismissing notions that alcohol actively dehydrates the body and that the body needs to be hydrated to function normally and that the combination of these two factors are the cause of their current ill health, the gang intend to make a formal complaint to barstaff that they have been served with “bad pints”.