Popular culture has wormed its way deeply into all of our collective psyches. Unfortunately, that means it’ll often appear in the most inappropriate ways. Here are the TV characters you’ll feel most ashamed for cropping up in your sex dreams.
Dustin the Turkey
What could be more distressing than having a dream where you’re being fellated by something with a beak? Why, when that beaked bastard is also making withering wisecracks about your genitals of course. Not to mention the fact that Dustin’s actually a puppet being operated by a human being who is standing there, staring at you. Judging you.
To add to the trauma, the whole incident takes place as part of a surprise new Eurovision entry from Dustin the Turkey. Watch those ‘nil points’ rain down as you experience the world’s first ‘wet nightmare’.
The dream begins in a damp, spooky castle. “So far, so good,” you might think to yourself: “Perhaps I’m going to end up shagging one of those kinky brides of Dracula.” However, instead of some half-dressed, saucy vampire waiting for you in one of the draughty bedrooms, Molly and Rossa are standing there, wearing corsets. You try to wake up, but are unable to escape engaging in one of the most harrowing threesomes of all time.
To your shame, in the morning, you find you’ve gunked your cacks. Enjoy explaining that to your partner.
Perhaps one of the least sexually appealing beings ever devised by mankind – and, that’s just Noel Edmonds. Meanwhile, his House Party colleague, Mr Blobby, was hardly any more carnally appetising, given that he was essentially the physical embodiment of a panic attack.
So, when you’re having that erotic dream about your new, sexy colleague, it really does come as a shock when they suddenly morph into Mr Blobby midway through making sweet, sweet love in the office store-room. You will forever be haunted by the image of that vast, gurning, vacant face bouncing up and down as you pathetically hump.
Zig and Zag
Waking up to find you’re covered in your own stale sex juices is a bad enough way to start any morning. However, for it to have happened due to a confusing fever dream where you were being massaged by both Zig and Zag is simply degrading.
Not only have you ruined your freshly-washed bedding, but you’ve also sullied every cherished childhood memory of The Den. Congratulations.
Easily the most sinister TV personality that could crop up announced in a sex dream. Ryan Tubridy is a man who has the appearance, vibe and aura like that of an incel cousin of Narnia’s Mr Tumnus.
They say that all dreams mean something, and while that’s clearly horseshit, in this case it might be true. If you ever have a sex dream featuring Ryan Tubridy, your mind clearly hates you and is looking to destroy you from the inside.