Russian Vessels ‘Just Here To See Famous Dolphin’

“LISTEN, we’ve told you a hundred times, the fucking dolphin is dead, now piss off,” stated an angry member of the Irish coast guard this morning, as more Russian vessels sailed close to the west coast of Ireland claiming to be on a ‘sightseeing tour’.

“Please to listen, we are simply here to see much celebrated famous dolphin, Fungi, maybe have him swim up to side of Navy warship, get selfie to send home to family,” explained the captain of one of the increasing number of Russian vessels that have arrived last week to float about.

“Is not spying mission. Is not intimidation. Is simply see dolphin expedition, please cease this hostile tone to us. We are simple Russian fishermen and maybe one or two high-ranking Kremlin operatives. All big dolphin fans. That is sole porpoise of visit. See, we made dolphin pun. In no way are we here to interfere with underwater NATO communications cables directly under ships”.

“We do not see these vessels as a threat,” insisted Micheál Martin, whose reassurance immediately sparked nationwide fears of a threat, “if we don’t look at them, they’ll eventually go away”.

Meanwhile a plan is being made to construct a motorised rubber Fungi to swim out to the Russian ships in the hopes that if they really are telling the truth about being here to see the dolphin, the robot Fungi can seduce them and steal Russian state secrets.