DUP Vow Not To Be Tricked Into Doing Something That Will Benefit People Of Northern Ireland

NOT SO FAST! The DUP have reiterated their resistance to being tricked into returning to Stormont with some concessions or an appeal to their humanity which would inadvertently put them in a position of helping the people of Northern Ireland.

“We won’t be brow beaten or hoodwinked into improving the lives of our voters, we weren’t born yesterday” the DUP said in response Northern Ireland Secretary Chris Heaton-Harris’s remarks at a conference marking the 25th anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement.

“Nice try, we didn’t even support the GFA at the time so no point telling us the best way to honour it is to get the Assembly back up and running. Lol, you’d sooner convince us dinosaurs are millions of years old,” the DUP added.

The DUP said they were well aware of the positive knock-on effects of a return to Stormont could have such as addressing housing and health needs, which is exactly why they cannot entertain such an idea.

“Do you think we’re thick? Sure, if we were to get Stormont going our pay cuts would be reversed but we know full well you’re trying to trick us into delivering positive impact in areas of Northern Ireland where it is most needed,” explained one of the party’s 40 official naysayers, producing the longest DUP statement in history that didn’t contain the word ‘no’.