Fox News Awarded $787.5mn After Winning Defamation Case, Fox News Reports

A NUMBER of Fox News hosts were relieved to report to viewers that they have won the defamation case they definitely took against Dominion Voting Systems and not the other way around.

“We won*,” confirmed a flashing breaking news banner which took up 99% of the screen, while small print indecipherable to the human eye stated ‘Yeah, we were caught with our pants down and were sanctioned multiple times for withholding evidence’.

“Fox is first for truth and we’re glad to confirm our fight to ensure our treasured viewers hear the facts continues – which is why we’re delighted to have been awarded $787mn in a settlement, this is something that definitively happened” said one host, before switching to a segment titled ‘So 86-year-old white men can’t just shoot black teenagers for fun anymore? What’s happened to America?’

“And then the judge said ‘Fox is the greatest and would never lie to its viewers’ and we absolutely weren’t caught red-handed in private conversations admitting we were knowingly pushing demonstrably false claims about the 2020 election results and Dominion, and trying to punish any staff correcting these lies,” between two and twenty identical blonde newscasters repeated throughout the day.

“Why is Fox the only network reporting this settlement news? You might think it’s weird. That’s because… it is, and I’ll tell you why,” pink faced man cherub who escaped from a renaissance painting Tucker Carlson said, in his trademark undulating intonations which make him sound like he’s trying to disguise the fact he’s getting a colonoscopy live on air.

Elsewhere, WWN can reveal Fox owner Rupert Murdoch spent as many as 15 seconds searching underneath his couch cushions before finding the spare change required to pay the $787mn settlement to Dominion Voting Systems.