Things I Wish They Told Me When I Started College

AS A NEW academic year draws close, WWN sought out the extensive knowledge of former college graduates who were ready and willing to shares their wisdom for anyone beginning their third level education:

Don’t.

It only takes 4 years of a degree, two years of a masters, three years in a low paid entry level job for you to be unable to afford rent in Dublin.

Despite your initial optimism you will use precisely 2% of the 200 free condoms you grabbed from the Student Union.

Nicknames like ‘Shat Himself At The Freshers Ball’ can stick and last beyond college.

People from Dublin will be very interested in where you went to school, and will take great pleasure in announcing they have never heard of St Fintans.

Career guidance professionals are just as useless as they were in secondary school.

Now is the time to get that daring haircut, the neon green dye job or pierce your knees. The world will not accept such extroverted expressions from you if you put off ’til you’re 28 when frankly you’ll look ridiculous.

Your university is basically being bankrolled by the Chinese government, hence those posters about Uyghur camps being taken down seconds after going up.

You will read roughly 5% of the total recommended reading list.

Prepare for your body to become 98% Koka Noodles.

SUSI grants are hand delivered via arthritic sloths leaving Australia by steamboat.

College is such a great, next-level experience in life that you can’t feel like you’re living out some sophisticated Emily In Paris existence even if you’ve just started in Maynooth.