Trump Gives Up Children Seconds Into Questioning By Authorities

DESPITE claims Donald Trump ‘shut the fuck up for the first time in his life’ by pleading the fifth during questioning by New York authorities conducting an investigation into potential fraud in his businesses, the former president reportedly ‘sang like Adele at the Grammys’ and immediately gave up his children.

“Can you arrest Eric twice, he’s my least favourite,” said Trump, who also made authorities aware that he would happily take to the stand to throw his children under the bus while saving his own skin, “technically I told Eric everything but he knows nothing, kid’s as dumb as a rock”.

“Yeah, initially he said ‘I plead the fifth’ but then what followed was an 18-hour unbroken monologue in which he itemised all the illegal shit his children did at his insistence but he was careful to stress he absolutely had nothing to with any of it,” said one investigator working on one of the 50 ongoing criminal investigations into the former president.

Trump offered to wear a several wires and cameras while pointing out he knew where Don Jr stashed his ‘good time chalk’. Later, Trump tried to secure the contract for building the prison his children would be sent to, asking if there was a way to list it as a tax right off.

Leaving the New York Attorney General’s offices, Trump asked if anyone knew where the nearest Russian embassy was and if they knew how to apply for political asylum.