Spice Up Your Life By Hating Other Monarchies, Here’s Why You Should Start With Belgium


TIRED of doing the same thing over and over again? Do you need to inject your life with some fresh hatred of a different monarchy? Why not actively seethe with rage at the injustices perpetrated by the colonisation wrought by an empire other than the British one.

Break out of your predictable drudgery and boredom by hating… the Belgian monarchy.

Like Britain, Belgium collected atrocities like they were a free toy that comes with cereal, leaving behind carnage and blood-boiling inhumanity that still stains the soul to this day.

Not a fan of famines? Then you’ll hate the Congolese famine! Nearly 20% of Congo’s population perished when under the auspices of Belgium.

Does evil barbarity always leave you screaming with rage? Broaden your horizons to incorporate not just hating murderous British soldiers. You can also hate how King Leopold II’s reign saw Congolese people’s hand routinely chopped off which callous indifference.

Could the fact mutilating children as a punishment for the most minor of infractions was so routine that it bordered on the mundane convince you to hate the Belgian empire with the same oomph you reserve for Britain.

Do you feel a violent Republican uprising coming on every time you observe a foreign elite is exploiting a country and draining it of its resources? Lose your shit by reading about how Leopold II ransacked the Congo’s natural resources, stealing vast quantities of rubber and ivory and becoming impossibly rich in the process.

Not a fan of plots to bring down a democratically elected leaders? King Baudouin’s reputed role in the assassination of Patrice Lumumba is worth a read. They dissolved his body in acid, that’s an 9.5 on the Brit scale.

Nothing boil your piss quite like a museum parading stolen artifacts from a conquest like it’s a great triumph of their nation’s God-given indomitable superiority? Well you’re going to fucking hate Brussels’ Africa Museum.

Orphaned children were transported to “child colonies” to work or train as soldiers with estimates suggesting more than 50% died there. Spicing up your life by also hating Leopold II, who keep a ‘human zoo’ on his palace grounds, really is a must.

Bonus reason: Roger Casement produced a seminal report into the atrocities perpetrated in Free State Congo.

Next week: That bastard Hirohito.