Rishi Sunak Slowly Realising He Can Say Whatever He Wants Now

TORY LEADERSHIP contender Rishi Sunak has been told to ‘relax’ after a video appeared to show him boasting about purposely diverting funds away from deprived areas to affluent areas, with aides assuring him that nobody really cares and it doesn’t affect his chances at becoming prime minister whatsoever.

“But I stated, clear as day, that I was working on shifting funding away from deprived urban areas and into Tory-rich suburbs that don’t really need it. I actually used the words, ‘deprived urban areas’. I’m fucked!” Sunak was overheard as saying, before his advisors sat him down and explained how these things play out.

“Rishi, relax. The rich people will approve of what you’ve done and the poor people won’t vote. You’re golden, dude,” he was told by a senior aide, who formerly worked for the outgoing prime minister Boris Johnson.

“Just look at how Boris did things. Did you ever see him fretting about what people thought? Did you ever see him think about what he was saying? Did you ever see him give a bollocks at all? No you didn’t, so relax. If anything, you just edged yourself a few points closer to Liz Truss, so keep it up!”

The pep talk has allegedly given Sunak a fresh desire to spout unvarnished lies as much as he can to get the job of PM, and he has leaned into it with some dubious comments about a range of subjects.

“Brexit has been a roaring success, we’re heading into a decade of economic prosperity, everyone in Northern Ireland agrees that the Protocol has to go, and we should jail anyone who disagrees because that counts as ‘vilifying the UK’!” smiled Sunak, finally accepting that there’s no wrong way to be a top-tier Tory.