Ranking The Tory Leadership Candidates


A FRESH round of voting in the Tory leadership contest see Rishi Sunak remaining top of the pile, but out of the remaining candidates who is best fit to lead the party and become Britain’s next PM? We rank the contenders.

Rishi Sunak

Former US green card holder until he got caught Rishi Sunak is the hot favourite to be next PM.

Fresh scandal, such as the news that he bought his personality on Amazon from a discarded pile of wet blankets, has not dented his chances.

Lists the Queen among his working class friends.

Performs particularly well in the racist demographic who want a leader from an ethnic minority to help provide better cover for racist immigration policies and cruelties.

Conservative voters responding strongly to the former Chancellor’s pledge to sort out cost of living, lowering taxes and all the other things he didn’t sort out when Chancellor.

Rank: 1st.

Lord Edwin Grabber

Heir to the Grabber child trafficking empire and awarded a peerage largely due to his lifetime of service to flammable cladding on council flats, Lord Edwin is popular at Tory grass roots level.

A two-tour veteran of the war on woke, the fact Grabber has been so petrified of trans people that he hasn’t used a public or urinated at all in the last 4 years performs well in Tory focus gropes.

Chances took a huge hit after it emerged he is one of a handful of candidates who doesn’t maintain a legally dubious off shore account for tax avoidance purposes. Best man to Jimmy Savile at his wedding to his mother’s corpse.

Rank: 2nd.

Penny Mordaunt

Of Irish ancestry therefore supporters have warmed to her performance so far, admiring the fact she can function so highly despite being genetically pissed.

Volunteered at Romanian orphanage in her younger days. Showing a basic grasp of empathy and human decency will surely see her ousted from the contest imminently.

In a bid to win back favour with the more hardline elements of the party has claimed to be responsible for trafficking Mo Farah while also seeking to lead the Home Office’s deportation case against him.

Was previously a magician’s assistant, was part of the cabaret act in which Boris Johnson made 200,000 British people disappear during Covid.

Rank: 3rd.

Liz Truss

Foul stench of hypocrisy, arrogance and ineptitude continues to play well with Tory voters.

Recently failed to find a door marked exit at a press conference she was giving which saw her stock plummet as questions about her competency arose.

Immediately reemerged as a front runner once she blamed the EU for hiding the exit on all patriotic Britons.

Selling arms as Foreign Secretary to Saudi Arabia which have killed significant numbers of Yemeni civilians isn’t the vote getter it used to be. However, on the plus side for Conservatives there is an increased chance of a return to soldiers murdering people in Northern Ireland if she becomes PM.

Rank: 4th.

Immortan Joe

Lord of the Citadel and leader of the War Boys, Tories back his Eugenics policies and admire how he worked himself up from nothing to privatising water supplies, hoarding them while people suffered immense hardship.

Fact he holds a harem of young women locked away in his home to forcibly sire him children has seen him labeled ‘a typical Eton cad’ by colleagues.

Rank: 5th.

Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher

A breakaway group of Tory MPs and grassroots campaigners have advocated for Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher for PM.

“A group of us MPs lurching ever further right can deliver more destroyed working class communities, proper good racism we all loved from our youth and privatising everything but every Les, Gary, Humphrey, Miriam and Alistair need a visual aid to help them masturbate to all the suffering, that’s were Maggie factors in”.

Rank: 6th 1st.