Dozens Of Bulls Gored By Humans In Pamplona


NORMALLY making headlines every year for goring human participants in Pamplona, dozens of bulls were reportedly gored to death this week after running through the Spanish town, disappointing many media outlets across the world hungry for images of bulls mutilating people.

“Yeah, the bulls actually get gored every year anyway once it’s over, it’s just this fact usually gets lost in favour of some stupid fucker dressed in white who got a horn stuck up his hole,” explained local man Sergio Rodrigues, “unfortunately this year the whole thing looks very cruel as we’ve no real moral excuse to take revenge on the animals now”.

Every year, after being chased about 800 metres uphill through the narrow Pamplona streets, the bulls are corralled into the local bullring where they’re later kept for the evening bullfights, which, unbeknownst to many participating in the run, will almost certainly result in a violent death at the hands of a Matador.

“Stabbing exhausted bulls to death with swords in front of hundreds of spectators isn’t the same when there’s no news story of a human incident of death or mutilation,” one Matador explained, yawning as he sunk a large metal sword into a bulls spine, “sure, if just one person in the running of the bulls got slightly gored, then yeah, fuck bulls, but this year my heart’s not in it, if I’m honest,” he added, before ushering out his next bovine victim.

In a bid to avoid the same scenario next year, organisers of the Pamplona festival have said they will make sure people get gored next year by implementing a new rule where participants must stand directly in the middle of the street, securing some good old-fashioned lacerations and deaths.

“We’re going to rename it ‘the standing up to the bull’s festival’,” a spokesperson concluded.