Only 40 More Years Of Delays Before Last Mother & Baby Home Survivor Dies, Government Calculates


DESPITE suffering a setback in the form of the High Court ruling the Mother and Baby Homes Commission treated survivors unlawfully, the government is confident that it has made the redress scheme sufficiently onerous and riven with inevitable delays that the State just needs to hold out for several more decades.

“There’s the report itself which has been proven a shambles, but in addition to that the redress scheme criteria isn’t fit for purpose. That alone should keep survivors dragging the State to court and tying them up for a decade for things we should be voluntarily conceded immediately,” explained one spokesperson for the Department of Delays.

The fresh disclosures come as a bill allowing for the exhumation of the mass child grave at Tuam was signed into law, some years after religious orders insisted there were no bodies on the site.

“Sure, the system is so hostile to justice and accountability but we can’t take winning for granted. Those that were born in the homes or fostered out have a good few decades left, so it’s just a case of remembering to issue empty worded statements pledging transparency every few years while doing nothing of the sort,” added the spokesperson.

Playing with rough maths and jotting down dates on the back of a napkin government insiders believe they can keep those responsible out of the clutches of consequence until 2060ish and it will all be plain sailing from there.

“Sure they have the overwhelming support of the public, but we’ll distract them with shiny thing after shiny thing and they’ll eventually grow tired of people talking about how child trafficking, physical and mental abuse are ‘crimes’ that ‘need investigating’ and that people should be held accountable'”.