Jungle No Longer Massive, Environmentalists Fear

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A GROUP of botanists, environmentalists and zoologists have teamed up with a UK-based squad of junglists to discover why the once massive jungle has diminished so much over the last 30 years.

“We’ve had to officially stop using the phrase ‘jungle is massive’, as it’s no longer factually correct” said Dr. Jon Stirling, also known as DJ Breakbeat Man Go Brrrrrrrrr Rat-A-Tat Big Up Yaself An Ting.

“Instead, we have to say Jungle Was Massive, or worse yet, Jungle Is Small. It’s a sad time to be a live for a junglist, having watched the once flourishing and mad as fuck jungle be eroded in front of your eyes by soft lads talking garage and drill”.

Once home to a wide range of badmans, MCs and dub specialists, the now-ravished jungle has fallen silent, a far-cry from its heydey of badass breakbeats, loops, drums, bass and distortion, and now the cry of ‘Junglist Massive’ receives only blank-faced stares from a group of kids practising their dances for Tik Tok.

“For just four pounds a month, you can help make the jungle massive again” read the voiceover of a touching infomercial playing on daytime TV amid scenes of sweaty ravers.

“Help give these people a place they can go to get out of it on a Friday night. Preserve the jungle for generations to come. Please give generously, or there will be no place for us to big up dem wickedest sound man, dem wickedest wickedest sound man, brrrrzzz”.

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