Irish Universities To Relocate To China In Bid To Maximise Investment

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CUTTING out the middle man entirely, a number of Irish third level institutions are upping sticks and moving to China in a bid to properly chase international investment.

“We’ve been trying to wedge hundreds of highly lucrative international-fee paying Chinese students into lecture halls and on campus accommodation, but then it was Lorna in the investment side of things who suggested just bringing the university to them,” explained the UCD employee tasked with moving Belfield to Beijing.

“Some students accuse us of taking one eye off the delivery of courses and supports because we’re so desperate for foreign cash which made us think what if we took two eyes off all that, surely we’d double the money from China”.

Citing the unending stream of complaints from Irish students across the country about dilapidated campuses and deteriorating standard of resources and supports, a number of institutions have become further drawn to an easy cash-splashed life in China.

“They love pumping money into our universities, imagine how much they’d give if we transplanted our Commerce degree to Shanghai,” added one UCD official who was reprimanded by a Chinese official for using the word transplanted which could give rise to people talking about organ harvesting in China which could put more pressure and spotlight China, something now completely prohibited at UCD Hangzhou.

A number of worried Irish students who will now move to China to complete their degrees will be helped adjust with a pamphlet listing all the words, phrases and events in Chinese history that will get you a failing grade and a place in an exam hall Xinjiang.

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