World Not Sure Lightsaber To Chest Could Stop Johnson These Days


AFTER British PM Boris Johnson’s narrow victory during this week’s vote of confidence in parliament, the world has asked: is there anything that can stop Johnson, and if so, what?

Among the people polled, it was found that:

– 87% of people believe Johnson has now reached ‘Bertie Ahearn levels of untouchability’ and that from a political point of view, there’s literally no scandal, sleaze or slander he cannot survive. ‘Brexit, partygate, Covid deaths… what’ll it take? He could French kiss Ghislaine Maxwell on Prince Phillip’s grave and still be fine,” said one baffled commentator.

– 5% of those polled stated that Johnson must have some sort of weakness, something that could bring him down. “Even the Death Star had that exhaust port that you could bomb if you used the force,” pleaded one Briton who has had quite enough of living out of food banks for one lifetime.

– A larger-than-expected number of people pleaded with everyone to leave Johnson be and let things take their course, fearing that any more attempts on his leadership could see him evolve into some dreadful ‘final form’, not unlike a video game boss that turns into a nuclear reactor when their health gets low enough.

– A small number of people, around about the size of a select number of Britain’s wealthiest people, think Johnson is doing a fine job, and long may it last.

Johnson himself was unavailable for comment, as he was busy at work.

[Correction – at a work do]