Queen Spends All Day Practicing Face-Rip-Lizard-Reveal In Mirror


FEARING that her life force may not sustain her mortal vessel for another solar cycle, the Queen has decided that the Platinum Jubilee celebrations are the perfect time to reveal her true form to the world, and has been practising accordingly.

“Left hand under right side of chin and peel upwards. Left hand under right side of chin and peel upwards… wait, will I be able to do this and hold my death sceptre at the same time?” wondered the British monarch, as she practiced the motion in front of a mirror in a style reminiscent of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver.

“This is the moment where one finally reveals the secrets of the Royal bloodline, and one only gets one shot at this to get it right. Perhaps if I lose the sceptre and tear my whole head-skin off like I’m taking off a jumper? I can always just pick the sceptre up and start firing random death beams into the crowd afterward, I suppose”.

Meanwhile, palace security has been put on an all-time high following reports that a re-animated Diana Spencer may be roaming freely in London, having chosen the Platinum Jubilee as the perfect time to exact her revenge on the Queen following years of hiding in the shadows.

“Fire on any fast-moving blonde in the crowd, and for God’s sake keep Charles and Camilla under close watch,” barked the palace head of security, while Prince Andrew wandered around in the background wondering if anyone needed any help with anything.