HSE ‘One Cold Sore’ Away From Crumbling

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THE truth about how close the Irish health system came to total collapse has been revealed in a stunning new book titled ‘The Almost-Shat Togs’, which gives a behind the scenes look at the weeks following the initial 2020 lockdown and how we were ‘one hospital porter with a hangover’ from total chaos, as is still the case now.

“During my research, I spoke to hospital staff who were under strict instructions not to order anything too spicy from their local Chinese in case it gave them a dose of the shits and kept them from work the next day,” said author Carmel Carron, signing copies of TAST at a launch in Waterford today.

“Thankfully, all pubs and nightclubs were closed so that cut down on the amount of ‘downstairs ailments’ that staff may have picked up, if you get me. This way they were able to attend work for 19, 20 hours at a time delivering life-saving care to patients. They were the glue that held it all together while the government and the HSE figured things out in the first wave, and again in the second wave, and again in the third wave while that ‘figuring out’ phase continues”.

Carron went on to outline how a new system of what constituted urgent care was formulated during the height of the pandemic, to ensure that A&E services were available to those who truly needed it, and not just every clumsy idiot who had smacked their thumb with a hammer.

“There was a simple rule put into place, if you were fit enough to walk into A&E then you were fit enough to walk back out again,” said the Waterford-based Pulitzer winner.

“The amount of illnesses that were treated with ‘magic pills’ that turned out to be TicTacs was incredible. A lad with a stab wound was given a Disprin and told to fuck off. Nurses were under orders not to shift anyone with a cold sore in fear of having to take time off, which would have ground the system to a halt. That’s how close we came”.

As the nation breathes in relief upon realisation of the bullet they dodged, the government have announced that everything is back to normal now and there’s no need to update any hospital, recruit any more staff or pay for any more services, allowing nurses and doctors to go back to pre-pandemic levels of being ‘stressed to the nines’.

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