Burglar Sick Of Working Nights

BURGLARY gangs around Ireland are finally getting back to pre-Covid levels, which for them means working in the homes that people, who were working from home in, are no longer working in.

“It was rough there for the last few years, everyone was at home leaving very little scope for us to dodge in and out in the middle of the day,” said Waterford thief Mark Callaghan, while robbing his third house of the day.

“That left us working nights and I fuckin’ hate working nights. You have to really know how to sneak in quietly, you can’t go upstairs so you have to make do with whatever cash or car keys you can make off with from downstairs – it’s just not conducive to a happy life as a burglar. But now as more offices are calling people back in, I can work hours that suit me better. It’s just a better quality of life, really”.

Callaghan, who has over fifty convictions for burglary and theft but has never spent a day in jail, went on to state how he feels his time as an actual in-your-house burglar may be drawing to a close.

“Yeah I’m getting a bit old to be breaking and entering, I’m looking to move to more of a managerial role, get a couple of young lads working for me,” he told us, taking time out of his busy scoping-gaffs-out schedule.

“Head of a burglary ring, that kind of thing. Maybe a bit of tiger kidnapping, if it isn’t ‘too early 2000s’. You have to move with the times”.

Mr. Callaghan went on to plead with people to not turn on their burglar alarms when they leave, as it’s only a pain in his head when they go off, and he’ll be long gone before the cops even come near the place.