50ft Tall Eamon Ryan Lays Waste To Rural Ireland

A DEMONIC bicycle-wielding Eamon Ryan with data centres for eyes is on a rural ransacking rampage in Ireland, if reports from the vivid nightmares of some rural TDs are to be believed.

“He’s shooting quinoa lasers from his eyes, watch yourself. Oh Christ he has yoga mats for fingers aaaah,” screamed those fleeing Ryan, whose monstrous growth spurt was down to him eating the Miracle Grow he usually gives to the lettuce in his window box.

“It’s the turf ban it’s making him stronger,” alerted some TDs, among them one who owned a commercial turf cutting business, happy to misrepresent the bill if it wins them some gullible votes.

Eating village supplies of cars like they were delicious salads, Ryan now more like 100ft has left rural dwellers with no choice but to share the one tricycle between them for transport.

“Is that jumped up fucker flying?” shocked onlookers said as they observed Ryan attaching wind turbines to his back like he was some sort of energy efficient helicopter of doom.

Despite their best efforts a small band of farmers aiming a hose of tainted river water at Ryan, the Minister for Rural End Times remained standing.

“The IPCC says there’s 3 years to save the planet!” madman Ryan’s booming disembodied voice said echoing across the valleys, as he forced a family at gunpoint to accept a grant for improved insulation in their Celtic Tiger era home which has a building energy rating of ‘medieval mud hut’.

Just as it appeared all was lost Sinn Féin disabled the solar panel on Ryan’s head from which he drew power and in the process saved the small minority of people who want to buy inefficient and expensive commercial turf instead of cheaper alternatives.