Judge Leo Varadkar Clears Leo Varadkar Of Any Wrongdoing At Leo Varadkar Courts


IN A LEGAL judgement believed to be the first of its kind in Ireland, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar cleared himself of any wrong doing at a special sitting of the Leo Varadkar courts, presided over by judge Leo Varadkar in front of a jury of himself.

“I guess it’s pointless for the DPP to deliver its final decision on the matter in December,” confirmed Varadkar during the in-camera proceedings, at which the Fine Gael leader and now full time judge and jury tasked himself with finding himself not culpable for the leaking of documents he himself admitted to leaking.

Witnesses called to the stand included Leo Varadkar who became quite emotional when cross-examined by himself. Somewhat out of breath due to his scurrying from witness stand to the floor of the court Varadkar threw a series of softball questions to himself before commending the witness for their courage and fortitude.

Innovative self-administered one-person courts with responsibility for settling accusations of alleged law breaking may not be confined to Varadkar with the legal profession admitting there is scope to extend this to anyone.

“Just think of the money saved on solicitor and barrister fees, on building, maintaining and staffing courts and police resources no longer needed. I’ve a few clients who would happily inform everyone they’ve done nothing wrong therefore that’s the end of that,” confirmed one solicitor.

However, not everyone is happy.

“I would have liked a little more warning about the complete and unceremonious overhaul of the Irish legal system, what am I going to teach students now?” harped one disgruntled lecturer in criminal law.

Elsewhere, Mountjoy prison lies empty today after inmates confirmed they’d all learned their lesson and deserved to go home.