Local Man Okay With Shooting After Hearing Victim Was ‘Known To Gardaí’


THE addition of the phrase ‘the victim was known to gardaí’ at the end of an horrific news report surrounding a shooting in Cork today has come as a relief to Waterford man Miles Canlon, who came very near to actually being upset about the incident.

“I’d heard on the news that a man about my age, with two kids just like I have, was shot to death outside his house and it put a chill up my spine. Then the news informed me that he was ‘known to gardaí’ and I thought ah sure that’s grand,” stated 37-year-old Canlon.

“I had thought ‘my God, what if that was me?’, but the last line of the bulletin let me know that there was no cause for worry. In fact, I’m feeling better about it now, if I’m honest. Now, I can just go about my day as if it never happened, without feeling bad for this guy, his friends, his family, anyone to do with him. Cheers, news!”.

Meanwhile, Cork cops have been informed that there’s ‘no panic’ when it comes to solving the case, as the nation are more than happy to let people who are ‘known to gardaí’ shoot and kill each other all day long.

“Big shout-out to our friends in the media for making that phrase work so hard for us over the years, it really has helped put a good spin on how we’ve failed to prevent the deaths of so many young men and women,” said our source in the force.