Pension Scheme Launched So You Poor Fucks Can Pay €2,000 Rent When You Retire


WHAT first appeared to be a sensible way to help lower and middle income individuals to enroll in a pension scheme has been confirmed by the government as yet another way for them to not bother addressing the housing crisis.

“See, a lot of you paupers will never own a home and once you’re 67 you won’t be able to pay your €2000 rent with the measly State pension alone. We needed to act to make sure landlords can keep raking it in,” confirmed Minister for Social Protection Heather Humphreys.

The atmosphere at the official launch of the new pension scheme had a celebratory air as the horror movie nightmare scenario of actually building large scale social housing was once again avoided.

“If we didn’t act we were looking at an awful scenario where build-to-rent properties owned by foreign pension funds might be adversely affected in years to come. Thankfully you get to work hard and put away a few euros each month for 40 years so that you can grow old in an extortionate place not of your own, using your pension to fund someone else’s fatter pension,” continued the minister.

Questions about how the pension pot money will be invested by the State, where and by who remain unanswered but it is believed this will all become clear whenever the government raids the pension scheme in the future to pay for the next bank and developer bailout.

“It’s hardly our concern anyway, we’ve more pensions than you’ve had hot dinners,” concluded the cabinet.